For Amber

I'm the kind of person that's not a huge sharer of problems and the real emotions that I'm feeling, Right now I'm feeling too much to bare any longer so please feel free to read on and maybe give a hand of support as I go through this. Sadly the writing might not be the best cause my emotions are getting the better of me. So please bare with me...I really not one to ask for help but I just cant go through this alone. So here I go...

As you have read my blog or know me in real life you know I am A huge animal person. I'm the kind of person I know people's animals names before theirs. I don't know why, I guess i was born that way.
But for Anyone that's ever know me You know that my whole world revolves around my dog Amber.
Some might find that silly for be dependent of a dog and love her more than anything but I do! She is my world might strange strange for you to hear but read on and I'll tell you why.

Lets go back to my My Ninth grade Year.... Dreaded Middle school. Everyone says they hated middle school, but for me it was a personal hell. I entered into the worst years of my life here's a little background info, I had move for Colorado to Utah which surprising that turned out to be one of the best things for me. In Colorado I was a freak, labeled in my 3rd grade year and unfortunately you never out live that. I had one wonderful best friend that made school life bearable. Michelle Bury I would like to thank you here, for always being a wonderful friend to me. Other than Michelle i didn't have many real dependable friends, But i didn't really care, Ive never really cared for human company. It's not that i hate people its just I've been bullied most of my life that Ive toughen to not care about them. But you put me and anywhere near an animal I melt into a different person. Ive always had a connection with animals of all sorts. But you want to see me at my very happiest get me near a dog. Off the point but will be useful later on.
So back to middle school, when I moved here I thought Id try befriending people instead of just animals. My 8th grade year that worked well. I had great friends i was getting along great with family and  but the summer before ninth grade things Started to change the girls I had become friends with (who all will remain nameless) i don't know started being more cliche maybe cause I wasn't really cool enough or I didn't quite fit in the group but slowly through ninth grade distancing themselves from me. Which I didn't really notice cause I was head over heals in love with my first love (will remain nameless due the embarrassment on his part) but that love ended with a sudden stop on his part and I don't maybe he just didn't feel that way towards me but he moved on quickly from our "awkward ninth grade relationship". But I didn't...I'm the type of person that I am very loyal and dedicated to my friends and to anyone that needs me, A very dog Like trait, which I am ok with because that's who I am. But back then it was my undoing, I spiraled out of control. I reach out for my friends desperately but they only reach out half hearty. Maybe it could be that they didn't really know what was happening to me but I losing myself....
and then my world went gray....

Honestly I can't remember most of those days, cause I wasn't really there.... I wore simple black and kept the background I talked as little as possible and lived even less. My life was meaningless, I had Zero purpose. And I became the freak again... I was the first 'Emo' people had seen and it was before it's "cool" or "in" to be emo. Like I said I can't remember Most of that year but i have the scars and the poetry from it and as I reread it i can feel the emotion...it was just  a very dark time in my life. Not many people knew this but I was quite ready to give it up, the pain I felt wasn't worth putting up with... Now you probably wondering why am I telling you this and want does this have to do with Amber. Well you have to know where a person has been to know where and who they are today.

You have to know What its like to lost in the dark with nothing to appreciate the warmth and love of Life.

Now apparently I didn't do anything too horrible or I wouldn't be writing this right now, and we can owe that to Amber.

In the time that I was really thinking about giving it all up, is the time where she entered my life. I was going to one of my only friends house for a sleep over, which I don't even remember that night. On the way down my Daddy saw a sign for puppies and it stuck with him for some reason. So when he got  home he convince my mother to go "just look" at them, but he had to run up stairs and get the check book :).
So the next day I was picked up and brought home. And I remember my mom being instant the i go left Bailey (our cocker spaniel) out of her kennel. And do this day I can remember turn the kennel and seeing her for the very first time. There she was sitting in kennel this little Red fluff ball, she looked at me and


That's the moment I broke free from my depression and the world started to repaint it's self starting with the color, red.

My parents had already named her amber because of her color. which ironically had been the only name I had thought of that Id like for one of my children (if I ever do have children). But she became my little girl quickly and I started to recover. Since the 2 second day she was sleeping my room, and 4 years she always did. Which I grew so accustomed to that I can't fall asleep alone often and if I do sleep it s restlessly.

She grew bigger and stronger every day. With her right by my side I took the steps to realizing who I was and How strong I can be. Yeah life wasn't peachy but I had someone Always on my side. Someone that would listen to me no matter what. Someone that was always happy to see me, not matter what I wore, how i acted or who I was. She was there to welcome me home every day.

I remember when she was just tall enough that she figured out how to open my door so she could always be with me. I remember when we played tug a war and attempted to teach her fetch. To this day she's never grasped the concept of it :) I remember her "beast" it was a maroon donkey looking thing but she loved it. She completely destroyed the 'beast' she figured out how much fun it was. But to this day I will still find pieces of him :D. Oh she's so intelligent, she knows which stuff animals are hers to destroy and which ones are mine, which are not to be touched. And the she is picky about her toys, it was takes her longer to destroy the Bunnie stuffed animals.

I remember the time we found our secret hide away for the first time. I world disappeared when We are there and its just us in that instant, I don't want or need anything else but her company.

She's a weird one which suits me find cause I'm a weird one too. She watches TV, she likes the discovery channel, wipe out, all dog movies and Up! She opens doors, at one point I was almost getting her to close doors (yeah she kinda gets it). She collects socks, she doesn't chew then up, just collects them. At one point she learned that if I couldn't find my shoes I didn't leave so she used to hide my shoes, usually just the right one. She always hide them in the side yard so that trick didn't last long. Then she learned that when I came home that she could help me. I can not walk into the house with a jacket or scarf on with out her taking it and going and putting on my bed (most time it gets dropped on the way there). She know the names of most of her toys and seems to understand most of what I'm trying to say when I talk to her.

She LOVES swimming, haha I remember the day I taught her to swim. she has always like siting the water of the waterfall out back. But one day we going to the lake and my boyfriend at the time, Brady was coming as well as Amber. Haha me and Brady were COVERED in nail marks for where she tried to climb up our arms out of the water, but other than that time she's been a water dog. On that adventure amber learned how to ride a wave runner One of other times I remember at the lake was the first time she saw me wake board. She according to my mother freaked out and went crazy. when I was done wakeboarding,  she ran to the back of the boat and dived into the water and swan to me :)

Did you know Amber plays air hockey? Oh yeah she's an amazing goaly. She loves the game and do what it takes to stop the puck :) Unfortunately for us she also likes stealing the puck so we don't have good puck for very long.

She Loves the rain which something we share. There has so many storms we played it the rain and came inside soaked to the bone. With big grin on our faces we learned to dance through many of life storms.

She is the only that's been there every time Ive been hurt, sad and angry. She's licked away my tears and snuggle up to me during my other problems. She's Kept my bed warm all those cold winters nights. She knows me better than I do, and marvel at her ability just to know what to do and how to be there for me.

 She's my campion no matter where i go. There's been many afternoons that we have spent taking a drive and having random adventures exploring the world around us. We discover so many trails, parks, hidden meadows, and places to just us. As for an example were sitting at kneaders in draper as I'm typing this. We so regular her other don't even really notice us anymore :)

I know all her facial expressions and different noises. Like a mother knows what each thing means for her baby, I know with my little girl. Haha like how she likes the vacuum hose to be used on her, or like how she feels unhappy when I take her bandannas (oh yes she has multiple almost in every color) off. We usually match yep I'm very girly when it comes to us matching :D


She has been there through everything, through my darkest days, to the days I can't touch the ground.She has been my everything!! She's the reason I haven't move out. She's the reason that's there color in my world.

We are each others world and these worlds might be breaking a part... Over last few weeks she's gotten really sick and the vet thinks it's cancer. Were going to another vet to get a second opinion but it taken a huge emotionally and finically toll on me. I'm even more grateful for Andrew and Shauna Smith that have awarded me a scholarship to go to school. Cause with out it I would not be going to school this year. She's wasn't eating till a little bit ago (thank goodness for kneaders turkey being her favorite ) So will have too wait and see.

This is all so scatter brained and messy, that's not even scraping the surface of all that is amber. I could gone of pages and suddenly this blog spot would be come a book! I hope you English majors forgive me for my lack of structure and flow ness. But it's been more of a release for me right now. Ive been so emotional and stressed the last few weeks, that i just don't know what to do...so this is what I turned too. Maybe some of you will hear it and understand. Others might think I'm crazy. But whether you think I'm crazy or not. Please lend me your support and your prayers. Cause right now All I'm running on is Faith and a little bit of Hope. Cause without Faith hope and love what is the point of living. You never know when your going to lose in life's game of fate, So fight to live and fight for what you love. I'm not giving up on her and I'll do what it takes to make her better or give her peace. Keep us in your prayers, and have a little hope for Us.

She's my Best Friend in the whole world and I love her more than anything...

My Little Girl Amber